Thursday, January 24, 2008

Women Must Stop Being "All Like..."

This topic comes not from the news wire, but rather from the elevator this morning, where two attractive twenty-thirtysomethings were recently witnessed having a "conversation."  The prettier of the two, adorned in canary yellow velour pants and a puffy white coat held two leashes attached to the necks of a pair of identical miniature pinschers.  The other chose the typical black North Face coat, a stretchy headband, and was heading down to walk a yellow lab (obviously named Honey-something) and a homely chihuahua-esque mutt that only a Korean restauranteur could love.

While my man mind was utterly incapable of comprehending the exact nature of their chatter during those thirty seconds, it appeared to be a contest about who could recount a plethora of former conversations about conversations they'd had in the past the fastest and with as little enunciation as possible.  North Face droned on in a lengthy high-pitched half-laugh about a misunderstanding she'd had with a male about things other people had said at some point.  When it came time for her to recount the dialogue she'd uttered during this encounter, she stated that she'd been "All like..." and then proceeded to say what she'd said.  But it didn't stop there, the male also found himself "All like..." whenever he had something to say (though I question the tone and inflection with which she portrayed his verbal nuggets.  I also have trouble believing any self-respecting man would allow himself to be "All like..." anything during a conversation with the woman he loves and/or tolerates in exchange for regular sex.)

Now Tweety Pants with the tiny guard dogs was somewhat less shrill during this exchange, but found herself wholeheartedly relating to everything that was expelled from North Face's face with America's answer to Canada's "Eh?": "I know, right?"

Originally conceived and popularized in the San Fernando Valley in the mid to late 90's, "I know, right?" spread like wild fire all across the country through various Viacom owned television networks, teenage popstar magazine interviews, and eventually and word of mouth.  It gives the illusion that the user of the phrase, no matter what it is in response to, is already fully aware of everything you've just said and was, in fact, just thinking the exact same thing, thus providing you with the validation that you are not alone in your assessment of a particular situation, and providing them with a big shiny shield behind which to remain ignorant and far more interested in what lip gloss they're wearing than anything you could ever say.

So please, ladies, let's try to give up these phrases, huh?  People have said things in the past, but no one has ever technically been all like.  Nor do you really know, right, do you?  No, you don't.  So stop pretending.  Force yourself to be smarter than this.  And if you can't, at the very least put on a shorter skirt, higher boots, a lower-cut top, and a shitload of eyeliner.  Thank you.


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