1. Reality Show Format Has Destroyed Everything: Pageants and other televised contests used to be about performing well and winning. Now they're about being eliminated at the most gut wrenching possible time. Line up ten girls ready to perform the "talent" they're mothers (who have become no less involved in the process since they vicariously transformed their daughters into four-year-old JonBenét Ramsey clones) have been drilling them in for the last nine months, then as they are about to go out, jack their adrenaline levels even higer by telling them they're about to be ELIMINATED! Then kill someone else's dream instead and crank the Tchaikovsky immediately. Can Miss Virginia survive the Sugar Plum Gauntlet?! STAY TUNED!!!
2. America's Social Progression is Highly Overstated: We are so proud of ourselves for being on the verge of having a black or a female president, yet all we do is argue about which would be worse. The Miss America contestants contained many beautiful, talented, and diverse young women. When the winner was called, it seemed as though the cute-on-paper stock photo bleach blonde incumbent was somehow able to crown a clone of herself she'd created so she didn't have to give up the tiara.
3. Obsession With the Hollywood Axis of Evil Must Stop: Okay, so U.S. Americans being unable to read maps can be added to the list of pageant question topics that provide hilarious YouTube fodder, but little else. However, can we please stop formally bashing the Hilton-Lohan-Spears skanktacular by asking contestants questions about how these three young ladies are triple-handedly ruining America? If one more person cites any of these people as "role models for our children" I'm going to vomit. They are kids with jobs that happen to pay them enough money for people to give a shit about them. They are brands who are really not all that much different than Mickey Mouse, except you've been horrified by all of their vaginas at one time or another and then pretended you didn't want anything to do with them. What they do on their own time is no different that any other asshole you've ever met. Your friends are probably worse. And unless these irresponsible mothers are suggesting that their daughters should aspire to be popstars, actors, or rich by association, which would inevitably end in failure, resentment, and piles of insecurity when it doesn't happen because it's nearly impossible, then they should replace the term "role model" with something better... like NOTHING.
4. Bad Judy Garland Impressions Trump All: One of the contestants, Miss Indiana, did a sexy little South American number in Spanish and should be opening for Shakira shortly. The sophisticated Miss California sang an incredible operatic number from Faust. Miss Wisconsin was in serious danger of starting her violin on fire with the raw passion, energy and talent with which she played. The winner, Miss Michigan, warbled her way through "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," reaching for the high notes and finally hitting them after a few seconds of flailing about. Her face indicated that someone had wound her up prior to shuffling her out on stage. How can these other mind blowing actual talents be overlooked for this type of awful karaoke performance? Someone should drop a house on the judges.
5. I Actually Watched This Crap: It's my fault. I'm part of the problem. I don't know why I do it when I could be reading or writing something useful (not this blog). What is it about 50 girls on stage? Why do I feel the need to pick my horse? Why do I want to place bets on my favorites? Why do I always feel the need to comment on how I want the job of consoling the losers? The madness will not end until I take it upon myself to turn this sort of validation machine off and watch Mythbusters instead. Now that's a great fucking show!