1. Rudy Giuliani standing anywhere you can't see him means you're already dead.
2. McCain's mom hates Mormons, Baptists, and people from Brooklyn.
3. Rudy is probably Dick Cheney's secret apprentice.
But is this the end of Rudy's crisis-whoring days, or will he continue to find ways to exploit his fortunate role in the most unfortunate event in recent memory? Only time will tell, but I for one am relieved I will never have to listen to him lisp his way through the State of the Union.
And while Mr. Former Mayor pledging his support for your campaign may not be quite as integral to success as, say, Ted Kennedy or Oprah, at least this gives McCain the confidence boost he needs going into Super Tuesday when he prays more old white people will flock from the retirement homes to the poles in hopes that he will make good on his campaign promises of 15% more prune juice at lunch and a nationwide crackdown on getting those damn kids off your lawn.
In other political news: Hilary won in Florida too. No one cares. It is estimated, however, that 62% of her supporters there will be dead by November.
Stay tuned for more hard hitting, primarily fact-based primary coverage...