China Flexes Superpower Muscles Via Mass Murder Of U.S. Puppies/Kitties

This is it.  The beginning of the end.  We'd better begin phasing out those pointless French classes in schools and replace them with mandatory Chinese classes, a language that will soon compete with Spanish as the official speak of Los Estados Unitos de China.

Over the last year, Xuzhou Anying Biologic Technology Development Co. (XAC), in cahoots with the treasonous Vegas-based ChemNutra Inc., has been responsible for the deaths of thousands of U.S. puppies and kitties.  It is alleged that they maliciously contaminated over 150 brands of pet food with the industrial chemical Melamine to falsely enhance the apparent protein content of their obviously sub par wheat gluten.

Folks, welcome to Domesticated Petfare.  Never did anyone think this is where the wiley Chinese would strike first in their bid for global domination.  But they watch TV.  They know how many knockoff "Louise Vuittone" doggie carrying cases they ship over here every year to be sold on urban street corners.  They understand the American obsession with the pet as accessory, and this is their first attempt at ruining our way of life.  First you get the puppies, then you get the power, then you get to claim Disney World as your very own.

Be afraid, America.  Think about the unprecedented evil we're dealing with here.  If it can, without hesitation, kill this:

Just imagine what it will do to this:

I for one do not want to live in that world.  This will be my last posting.  May the bodhisattva have mercy on your vajras.

-Turk

Crackhouse

I'm sorry to keep mentioning famous people.  I know I should talk about Mike Huckabee's victorious third place in-your-face-Mitt-Romney-fest on Super Tuesday or Hilary's crushing 20 delegate CNN estimation over Obama, or the fact that some Americans actually risked their lives out in tornados and snow storms to vote for John Edwards.  However, people joke so much about crack cocaine, primarily because it seems like a ridiculous substance most of us have never physically been in the same room with, that when it shows up in real news, you can't help but be fascinated.

Though it probably comes as no great surprise, a Ms. Amy Winehouse is in jeopardy of not being able to perform at the Grammy's because the good folks over at Scotland Yard found a video of her smoking crack, which may revoke that U.S. visa she needs.  She also may not be able to perform at the Grammy's because SHE SMOKES FUCKING CRACK!!!  Claims that she only did so in solidarity with the writer's strike are as yet unsubstantiated.

But that isn't even the most shocking part.  While skimming through the BBC article I learned a horrific truth I don't think anyone could've possibly guessed by looking at her...

This bitch is 24 years old!  Holy shit.

-Turk

Lab Rat Unemployment Rate To Challenge That Of Uneducated White People In Border States

Similar to what our porous border with Mexico did to the skill challenged Southwestern white man, who can now not even get a manual labor job he hates and expect minimum wage, lab rats found out today that their employment future is also in jeopardy.  The culprit?  No, it's not a mass migration of Lou Dobbs-spiting Latin American rodents, but rather a small glass "chip" scientists say could drive a stake through the heart of the long standing science-rat relationship forever.

Termed "in vitro" testing, the chip is contains a thin layer of active human cells, which, says science, respond to introduced substances much the way a human being would.  I can only assume this means the chip cells whore out their cytoplasm when introduced to bright red lipstick, become instantly diabetic when introduced to soft drinks, and demand an introduction to the lipstick cells when introduced to erectile dysfunction pharmaceuticals.

Well that's great science, but have you thought about where all the rats are going to go?  What they'll do?  They can't all open French restaurants, you know.  The sad reality is that this puts all of those would be test subjects back out on the street where they'll have no choice but to eat garbage, breed uncontrollably, infest people's homes, and spread disease, much like their uneducated white southerner counterparts.

So I implore you, science, before you give lab rats the ax, give them another option.  They may hate being tortured so our armpits don't stink, they may not like being murdered in the name of Liz Claiborne, or their families torn apart and their dreams crushed so the FDA can justify its kickbacks, but at least it's honest work.  They give their lives for the greater good of a superior species.  The very least you can do before slapping them in the whiskers is put together a nice severance package - a small piece of cheese and a rabies inoculation, it doesn't take much.  After all they've done for you, I think you can afford to show a little respect.

-Turk

Manning-Handled

This just in: Tom Brady is not a perfect human being.  In a game wherein I half expected him to develop the ability to fly at some point, the Giant's defensive line instead made him look like a Victoria's Secret model with a helmet.  Of course the Patriot's usually serviceable offensive line didn't help matters when they decided to do their impression of those kids dressed like Seahawks in the State Farm commercial for most of the game.

This brings me to Eli Manning, who did his part to set an NFL record for consecutive Superbowl wins by commercially overexposed siblings.  Somewhere someone has officially recorded that statistic.  I'm no Patriots fan, nor really does history excite me, but the entire experience feels somewhat empty and unfulfilling.  

If anyone has to dethrone Bellichick and make him look dumber than he did to himself with that godawful sweatshirt, couldn't it have been anyone but Eli Manning?  I suppose it was more Strahan and Tuck than anything, but be certain Peyton Jr. will get most of the credit.  Also, I am not in favor of anything that makes Tom Coughlin's beady little rodent eyes glimmer with such delight.  Freaks me out.

Speaking of things that freaked me out last night, did you see the new Careerbuilder.com ad?  The one where the woman's heart makes a bloody escape from her chest and proceeds to walk into her lobster gorging boss's office and hand in her resignation.  How does an exposed nipple in a football stadium offend Christians and destroy children's futures, but this piece of grotesque garbage is acceptable?  I just about lost all twelve beers and the half-pound of guacamole I'd recently consumed.

Ah well, it's over.  On to the most meaningless game of the year to once again end the NFL season with a shrug.  Then I can finally re-devote my Sundays to worshipping something else.  Hockey's a sport, right?

-Turk

Your Prius Isn't Helping, It's Just Ugly

It is a time of war.  A time of oil scarcity.  A time of economic downslide.  The housing market is broken and gas prices are as high as ever.  It is also a time of  green advocacy, hybrids, and the race for alternative fuels.

Apparently it's also a time of greed and lies (who knew?), as a major corporation posted the largest profit ever by a U.S. company in the 4th quarter of 2007.  The company?  You guessed it: Exxon, $11.7billion PROFIT in 3 MONTHS!

REALLY?!

Consider the trend, gas prices go up... profits go up.  This would appear to be basic economics, but when all we hear about is the skyrocketing price per barrel being the reason for our weekly sodomy at the pump, what sort of exponential markup must be taking place and why is no one actively regulating it?  The answer:  Because fuck you, consumer.

Let this be a lesson to all the Prius-driving Leftholes out there telling everyone they're making a difference.  This is proof that you're really not.  If anything, it's all getting worse.  So fine, if you need to feel special while you drive to Whole Foods with your canvas Save the Whales tote bag to pay double for organic food that you'll eat raw in your Birkenstocks, do it up.  But do it for you.  I don't want to hear about how you're crusading against oil companies and fixing the planet.

Me, I'm going to pay through the nose to drive a cool car until the oil runs out.  It's not that I don't care about the environment, it's that, like most people, I'm too lazy do do anything but write about it.

-Turk