Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Lab Rat Unemployment Rate To Challenge That Of Uneducated White People In Border States

Similar to what our porous border with Mexico did to the skill challenged Southwestern white man, who can now not even get a manual labor job he hates and expect minimum wage, lab rats found out today that their employment future is also in jeopardy.  The culprit?  No, it's not a mass migration of Lou Dobbs-spiting Latin American rodents, but rather a small glass "chip" scientists say could drive a stake through the heart of the long standing science-rat relationship forever.

Termed "in vitro" testing, the chip is contains a thin layer of active human cells, which, says science, respond to introduced substances much the way a human being would.  I can only assume this means the chip cells whore out their cytoplasm when introduced to bright red lipstick, become instantly diabetic when introduced to soft drinks, and demand an introduction to the lipstick cells when introduced to erectile dysfunction pharmaceuticals.

Well that's great science, but have you thought about where all the rats are going to go?  What they'll do?  They can't all open French restaurants, you know.  The sad reality is that this puts all of those would be test subjects back out on the street where they'll have no choice but to eat garbage, breed uncontrollably, infest people's homes, and spread disease, much like their uneducated white southerner counterparts.

So I implore you, science, before you give lab rats the ax, give them another option.  They may hate being tortured so our armpits don't stink, they may not like being murdered in the name of Liz Claiborne, or their families torn apart and their dreams crushed so the FDA can justify its kickbacks, but at least it's honest work.  They give their lives for the greater good of a superior species.  The very least you can do before slapping them in the whiskers is put together a nice severance package - a small piece of cheese and a rabies inoculation, it doesn't take much.  After all they've done for you, I think you can afford to show a little respect.


No comments: