Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Truth About Celebrideath

Let us examine celebrity culture for a moment and why it is so important to the well-being of this country...

All famous people fit into one or more of the following twelve categories:  actors, actresses, models, supermodels, former-supermodel entrepreneurs, former-actor politicians, current politician-actors, actors that think they're politicians, heirless vaginas, reality TV stars, pundits, and assholes.  They stand as a testament to the ideals set forth by the founding mothers and fathers of The United States of America, the long-standing motto of which also serves as the first line of the Constitution: "If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere."

That phrase in the decades since has come to be known as "The American Dream."  Nowhere is the manifestation of that Dream more obvious than in the celebrity.  The celebrity shows ordinary people that in order to be a true patriot, you have to be relentlessly documented.  Unless this documentation takes place - be it via film, TV, radio, advertisements, or internet blogging - you might as well be waving a French flag and voting for a female president.  To be a true American is to be followed by cameras.  To make so much money you never have to pay for anything ever again.  To constantly lie about who you are and where your genitals have been.  And most importantly, to be incredibly unhappy about all of it.

This brings me to the true nature of celebrity.  These are not just people like you and me, these are the martyrs of our time.  They give and give, expecting nothing in return but our constant and unwavering worship resulting in an empty validation of their existence and a couple grams of blow in their trailer.  I don't think that's too much to ask.  

And now the harsh truth...


You will never be famous.  It's not your fault.  It's God's fault.  Celebrities are God's chosen people.  They are proof of his existence.  They are made in his image - larger than life, seemingly everywhere at once, capable of unimaginable wrath, fake.  And when God decides to take one of his favorite children back, it is a loss for humanity.  So the heathens may lack sympathy, but they must live with the knowledge that we are being punished.  Every dead celebrity is a toy that Our Father has taken away from us.  When the toy box is empty, we'll have no choice but to play with ourselves.  I'm sure my average Saturday night won't change all that much.


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