The geniuses that brought us the Victoria's Secret catalog, the fashion show (now in (sigh) High Definition), those heart-stopping pants-tightening commercials, slutty lingerie marketed toward adolescents, the new stores that look like some sort of neon porn circus I desperately want to be a part of but am too afraid to enter, and basically put Brazil on the map as THE place to recruit wives before they're "discovered," have released their annual What Is Sexy list. Okay, so you've done a lot of great sexy stuff, VS, but who are you to make the jump from the painfully obvious "Let's put South American girls in something lacy and parade them around because it's sexy" to "Hey, you know who doesn't get enough attention for doing nothing of note... Ryan Seacrest." I won't stand for it, Victoria's Secret, and here's why:
Sexiest Smile - Ryan Seacrest: I'd be smiling too if I was a 5'2" sexually ambiguous millionaire with bad highlights who stood around with a microphone talking about idiots all day. Know why? Because I'd be a bloody millionaire, so I wouldn't give a shit about anything. And that type of confidence fools women into thinking you're sexy. Mostly, I'm just jealous. There, I said it.
Sexiest Male Athlete - Tony Romo: Maybe it's his Midwestern boyish good looks, or the fact that he loses control of his arm and his mind whenever some moronic blonde girl enters the stadium, and they think that's cute. I don't know. All I know is I've heard enough about Tom Brady, and now I've heard enough about Tony Romeo. Also, I hate the Cowboys and most other things that come from Texas. And I'm slightly jealous.
Sexiest Couple - Fergie and Josh Duhamel: This disturbs me because the latter seems to be prettier than the former. Also, the former wets herself on stage and was responsible for her entire album. Tad Hamilton I have no problem with. His girlfriend Fergasucks.
Sexiest Style - Scarlett Johansson: See? Even women mistake abundant cleavage for style. I'll make you a deal, Scarlett, you can dethrone Gwen Stafani as World Style Icon as long as you stop ruining Woody Allen's films. Deal?
Sexiest Eyes - Kate Bosworth: I... I mean... she's beautiful, of course. Love you, Kate. To pieces. But of all of her perfectly legitimate features, you're going to pick her... eyes? You know those Great Danes with two different colored eyes? It's freaky, right? Well... I mean, not to be mean... but... really? Sexiest eyes? Okay.
Sexiest Legs - Ali Larter: I'll have to take their word for it. The whipped cream bikini distracts from just about everything else. I don't even know what the hell she looks like.
Sexiest Mom - Victoria Beckham: Face it, they could've said Britney, but they didn't. That would've been slightly funnier than this. I didn't realize Posh Spice had kids. Neither did she. Maybe, at the very least, this list will clue her in to what that incessant banging on the basement door might be.
Sexiest Dad - Justin Chambers: I had to Google this one. Looks like Dr. McDreamy has some competition... Dr. McTattooedBadBoyType! I don't know why, but tattoos are sexy. I will never have one, nor understand their appeal, but women can't get enough of the damn things. Maybe they think it subconsciously shows the inked man can commit to something stupid for the rest of his life, and that increases their chances of fulfilling their reproductive goals.
Sexiest Funnyman - Dane Cook: Ha! Yup.
Sexiest Beach Body - Josh Holloway: Right, the asshole from Lost. Well, it's easy for him when he spends his entire life on the beach. Still, not that impressed. I would've chosen Evangeline Lilly. This was a sexist pick and I'm not happy about it.
Sexiest Lips - Jessica Biel: Really, she could've swept every category (possibly even sexiest couple). Kudos to VS for choosing to have some variety, even if it was relatively unsuccessful.
Sexiest Actress - Eva Mendes: Mmm... no. I would, sure. But maybe they're trying to push that whole curvaceous women are beautiful too even though our models haven't eaten since the 90's thing. Works for Dove, doesn't work for you. Try again. My vote: Kiera Knightley.
Sexiest Actor - Eric Bana: This was not obvious. I commend you for it, VS. He's good shit.
Sexiest Musician - Rihanna: Ella ella ella eh eh eh... PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Also, not a musician. Chocolate Pop Tart.
Sexiest Male Musician - Chris Brown: This pick has made me lose interest in completing this posting at all. All I know is I saw him on TV the other day, planning his Michael Jackson - Off The Wall themed birthday party at some swanky shithole in Manhattan. Any inherent sexiness should evaporate the moment he opens his mouth and sounds like a white kid from Iowa trying to impersonate Li'l Wayne.
Sexiest Cast - Dirty Sexy Money: Yes, yes, yes. Maybe you people are paying attention after all. Honorable Mention: Gossip Girl.
Sexiest Newcomer - Blake Lively: Speak of the Devil... The term "newcomer" is consistently misused in Hollywood. Clearly you haven't seen "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" twelve times and "Accepted" twenty-three times just to bask in Ms. Lively's beauty. Neither have I.
Sexiest Newlyweds - Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelly: This is a tough one for me. Remember "My Father the Hero"? Remember that white bathing suit? Remember when you bought it on DVD for $6 but have never watched it because you assume it would make you feel dirty? Also, remember how much Josh Kelly's music makes you want to hurl yourself off a bridge?
So, Victoria's Secret, that's all I have to say about the subject. That and thank you for all the free panty coupons in the mail. One of these days I'm going to get up the courage to use them.