$600 To Make Everything All Better

America can finally breathe a collective sigh of relief.  We no longer have to worry about the long-term economic effects of that unjustly opposed war.  Nevermore shall we fret about the boomers sucking up social security like YooHoo through a twisty straw.  The mortgage bubble?  What mortgage bubble?  Exactly.

And it's all possible because our government has finally figured out how to fix everything.  Ever.

Don't concern yourself with myths of evolving from apes or global warming.  There's plenty of oil to go around.  Muslims are not trying to kill you.  Television is useful.  Your penis still works on its own.

The economy will be forever stimulated by a one time gifting of a check for $600 for those they deem worthy of being poor enough to use it.  The unemployed will receive $300.  Couples will score a whopping $1200 (that's $600 per member of the couple).

Whatever you choose to spend it on -- prostitutes, gambling, liquor, drugs, porn, ironic T-shirts -- the end result should prove to be the greatest pseudo-socialist U.S. government plan to hit the streets since FDR's New Deal.

It may not bring real democracy back from the dead, but you sure will be distracted by that big hole burning itself in your pocket.

-Turk